Wanna 2 change

For a moment in life, I was really lost. Things just get meaningless :(. I starting to doubt what am I doing. Trying to stay strong yet being defeated all the time. Just losing control while trying to gain back control. To fight the human nature. To learn to give. To be more like Jesus. Things just go haywire. Over and over again I try to stand up believing that every fall will make me stronger when I make a come back. Has it?? I still wonder... I trying to correct my ways and my faith. Trying to go back to the right patch.

I realise that it is impossible to totally change myself for the time being. It requires a constant effort to bring myself to stay on track. I felt that was control, not change. I wanna grow in faith, yet it seems that I struggle to stay in faith. I keep trying to bring myself back to be Christ oriented, my focus yet kept changing. Thoughts just comes in and pull myself away from what I am suppose to be doing.

I really hate myself at times. I admit that I am an idealistic person. I believe in lots of things and totally hate it when things differs from what I think it should be. It just ends up having myself unable to forgive myself of wrong I committed. Is it that is why I still cannot totally change?? Or is it just I am mentally weak??

~I really wanna to change...~